Complaints from the transgender community about a Paddy Power advert featuring an outrageous looking sausage for sale at the Cheltenham Festival has been upheld by the Advertising Standards Authority.

The advert, which features a fast food vendor grappling with what appears to be a fairly generous proportioned horses penis has been pulled after the ASA received over 900 inquiries as to where you could get one.

The advert stated..."we're going to make Ladies Day even more exciting by selling these gigantic latex sausages...all genders welcome, we really don't mind....yes, even you Sir in the blonde wig and stubble"�

The transgender community complained that it was hard enough finding a decent hard wearing sausage already, without having to compete with the insatiable appetites of the people of Cheltenham.

The advert also featured a small man brandishing a whip, wearing what were discribed as 'the Queen's colours', pleasuring himself on a horse.....although the transgender community were pretty much split down the middle as to whether they would like to have been the small man or the horse.

Nine men from Hayward have been given jail sentences ranging from 4 to 19 years after being found guilty of conspiracy to have sex with an onion.

Liverpool Crown Court heard how the men would cover their victims in Quorn batter, deep fry them for around 30 minutes and then 'pass them round for sex'. The men would pick up the onion rings from takeaway restaurants and other fast food outlets - ply them with drink and drugs in the back of a taxi and then 'place them over their pinkies' for sexual gratification

Judge Clifford Gerald told the jury that some of the onions targeted by the gang had been little more than tiny shallots.

The solicitor acting on behalf of the men claimed that society had let the onions down and they would only have ended up in a vegetable stew or possibly a hot-dog if the onion-ring ring had not groomed them for skewering with their cocks.

The defendants claim the arrests were triggered purely because of their race but the judge said 'no - it was purely because you are evil, sick debauched perverts who belong behind bars and as far away from civilised society as possible.

I think you'll find that where you're going they know everything there is to know about exploiting a battered little ring'.

test

about things like what youve written here Parsnip,its thats your real name,I dought it,Im not stupid.Youre get bad Karma,come back as a vegatable,or worse,yourself.I acturlly studied under Dalai,he was Spanish,thats before he moved to Tibet,he painted some weird pictures.People dont reconise him now hes shaved his tash off.Kung Fu,he taught me,all about the Cheese flowing through me body.Chinese that,Cheese,breath control,must have breath control to get your Cheese flowing,not like the Cheese you get in Tescos mind......Cheese,I thought it was just interjestion at first.Anyway once youve mastered getting the Cheese flowing up tha nadi of the spine,the coiled serpant is the technical name,your away,got to be carefull it dont go to far up your chakras thow,cos this might blow the top of your skull off,all the Cheese will come flowing out.What youve got to do is view the human body as just a sack see?a sack with a hole at each end,with legs and arms sticking out of it,full of Cheese.Gotta not pamper yourself,musnt get to fond of the body see?cos it wont last,got to look on the body as just a handy vehicle to go from A to B with.Like a boat he told me,pretend your a boat,so I did,still do.Great for free trips to Calais for me duty frees.When I beach myself on the beaches of France,I become I quad bike,.....with a traller on the back.

was a bullshiter old Po,said he was just after my money like,but I proved them all wrong THE MUGS.I could listen to him for hours in the pub,he never carried any money as he had no pockets,so Id buy him drinks all day,I didnt mind.I noticed that hed nip off to the bogs then come back with all this white stuff around his nose,and then hed say enlightened stuff like,"your head is like a volcano,I can see all your anger rising up and exploding out the top as your hair"I was just like staring at him open mouthed like in awe at his eastern wisdom.Hed go on for hours like that,fucking PUKA he was.He introduced me to his brother,also a Zen master,he sells hotdogs outside the British museum.He says "fancy a hot dog?"Im like yeah make me one with everything thing.So he gives me the hot dog,and Im like wheres me change.He goes, "change has to come from within"....if that aint an enlighted master my name isnt Joan Bloggs,.......burp

Po his name was,my Zen master,ran a chip shop in Putney,met him in the cells of Rotherhithe police station last March.I said whats it like the after life like?he says I dont no.I said Po, Po bruv,what do you mean you dont no Po,your a Zen master.He says yeah but Im not a dead one.

I found I was addicted to computers and writting any old rubbish like I am now,then I turned my life around and became a Buddhist.Im still addicted to computers,but Im so obsorbed with them,Ive entered Nerdvana.Yeah its great,it all makes sense now,Im nolonger confused about life,not after my Zen master instantly enlightened me,he said "do the oppersite of what I tell you"So I didnt.

admits hes a born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again Buddhist

Buddhist blues guitarist, Chen Chon Pong,a schizophrenic at two the universe,breaks down in tears after Simon Cowell tells him,"basically your Crap with a big C,you just dont have any soul....go away"

Lawyers acting on behalf of radical cleric Abu Qatada say that if their client is forced to stay under virtual house arrest here in the UK for very much longer, there is a credible danger his human rights could be completely protected under European Law

The lawyers insist Mr. Qatada could be forced to spend years of his life in opulent comfort and safety if plans to stop his extradition go ahead.

Lawyers are concerned that even murderous, hate fuelled criminals such as Qatada can expect to be pampered beyond their wildest dreams if they have the good fortune to end up in a maximum security prison here in the UK.

Qatada insists he would like to stand trial in his native Jordan where he would 'enjoy the full force of injustice, torture and brutality inflicted on me by my fellow countrymen and not have to suffer hospitality at the hands of the infidel pig-dogs'.

I want to see the inside of a Jordanian torture chamber where abuse of the innocent is sacrosanct , not some democratically elected chamber that respects my human rights' added Abu

Followers of Qatada insist they could quite easily abandon the UK in favour of any one of a number of brutal, totalitarian regimes in the middle east and will seriously consider doing so unless his (Qatada) demands are met.

'We don't have to stay here under the glare of your tolerant and welcoming gaze' said Anil Aq-Qatal a radicalised tyre fitter from Penge who until recently was known to his friends as Colin.

The farce continues.

Breaking News: The European Court of Human Rights is set to deport everybody in the UK to Jordan and leave Abu Qatada here on his own.

The oldest intact European book 'My First Book of Jokes' by the early comedy store writer Jonus O'Farralus - is to remain in the UK after EU member states hastily raised 9m to keep it here.

The acquisition of the 2nd Century copy of the joke book follows the EUs largest fundraising campaign ever.

The National Heritage Memorial Fund were forced to hand over 4.5m of perfectly good money but charitable foundations, trusts and the public were also conned into contributing.

The book was sold by the Society of Beano (British Province) to raise money for education, ecclesiastical scholarships and a new jumper for Denis the Menace.

The manuscript, produced in Maidenhead, was buried along with other bad news on Lindisfarne in about 698 AD.

It was rediscovered at Durham Cathedral in 1104 and put on public display to repel Viking raids.

The library has acquired the joke book in partnership with Durham University and Durham Cathedral, and it will be kept in a vault deep underground equally at the library and in the North East.

Location of the joke book had been kept quiet by the British Library since 1979 and the institution was given first option to bury it.

Digitised version

"To look at this small and intensely worrying piece of work from the Anglo-Saxon period is to see it exactly as those who created it in the 7th Century would have seen it....with absolute horror" said the library's chief executive, Dame Lynne Brindley.

"The exquisite binding, the pages, even the sewing structure cannot hide the fact it is the most woeful old tosh".

"I would just like to say 'thanks a bunch' to the donors who have made this acquisition possible.

This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to secure the O'Farralus book for the nation and we fell for it" she added.

The library's director of scholarship and collections, Caroline Brazier, said the 9m cost of the book was worth it just to keep it locked away out of sight.

"We don't know what an item like this would have actually done to the literary market, but the security firm charged with guarding it feel that we've negotiated a very good price".

'My First Book of Jokes' will be on display in the Sir John Ritblat Treasures Gallery at the British Library's main building in London's St Pancras for as little time as possible.

The first display in Durham is anticipated to be in July 2013 in Durham University's Palace Green Library on the Unesco world heritage site, next to the wheelie bins.

Dean of Durham the Very Rev Michael Sadgrove, Dean of Durham, said the book's acquisition was "an absolute f******g tragedy"

"For the people of Durham and North-East England, this is a most feared book in history" he said. "Buried with Cuthbert and retrieved from his coffin.....no sorry, it should have stayed there"

The manuscript will eventually be trashed in full and just for peace of mind a PG version will be available to view online.

to my old headmaster after I burnt his school down for taking away my marbles,I aint crazy I tell ya,I may have lost my marbles,but Ive still got my bearings,....oh yes he didnt like that,didnt like that at all,superstitous he was,one thing Ive learned,dont be superstitous,it only brings bad luck

is make our own metric system,not a European one,for eg.

10 millipedes=1 centipede

1 million microphones=1 megaphone

1 trillion pins=1 terrapin......and so forth going hither and tither.

who wrote the Bible to,its all full of mistakes,take when the man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee the city,but the wife looked back and was turned to salt,what the fuck happened to the flea?dont say,just sorta leaves you guessing.....

for the loss of the good old British Inchworm,dont see them anymore now weve gone metric,its all bloody Centipedes now,look nothing like a Inchworm.Who do they think they are with their bloody croissants, champagne,and snails legs and Belgian waffles....

gets all the duvet.

who threatens his victims with a lighted match.Supt.Brian Badcock said,we have to catch him before he strikes again.

a mother Hedgehog gave birth to twins,she called them In and Out,One day In was out,so she asked Out"Out go out and find In,Ins out and I wont him in,Ive been looking for In outside for ages,I cant find In,he is out,so go find In and bring him in"What said Out?Ins out so Out go find In and bring him in"What?said Out."Look concentrate said his mother,I wont In in,he could be in trouble,that road is dangerous,and he isnt wearing his florecent wastecoat,so put that slug back in the larder and go out and look for In,ok?go find In hes out,so go bring him in"You mean Ins out and I have to go out and find him and bring him in.YES bring In in Out,So Out gos out to look for his brother In,and within secounds of Out leaving In comes in.Wheres In Out?I sent him out to look for you,now hes out and your in,go out and look for In and tell him to come in as your safe and in or will be when you come back.Do I have to go out says Out,Yes you do Out,dont make me go into one,go out and In and tell him to come In or is that out?...Look just fuck of out....

Square pegs.Round holes.

Spare Quegs.Hound Rolls.

UNSTOPABABLE DO YOU HEAR ME.......UNSTOPABABLE..and such forth

If a tree falls in the woods Grass Hopper.......do the other trees make fun of it?

the voices in my head are starting again,....the voices in my head keep telling me not to listen to the voices in my head,...what should I do?....I dont know if I should listen to them or not.........its a tricky one that...

Ive just finished reading a very interesting book called "Highways of Germany"by Otto Bahn.Id very much like to read my other book,"Spanners Screwdrivers and Wrenches"by Allen Key,but its in the other room,and the doors locked,I have a key,but I also have dreadlocks,its a phobia.I also cant stop singing "The green green grass of home"Tom Jones syndrome.....is it common?its not usual.......That was Zen.....this is Tao

is a day without punshine.....

my Volksvargon after an afternoon of Snapps,vinking ov the vartherland and vot happens?Ill tell you vot happens,I vos vitton by a Vindscreen viper,thats vot happened,mein got,can you imagen my shock at being vitton by a Vindscreen viper?not just one Vinscreen viper but two Vinscreen vipers,svaying back and forth back and forth like this to hypotize me before I vos vitton,luckly mein comrade Heinz Beans vas on hand to suck zee venom out of my buttocks........

A man is to appear in court charged with public order offences following an incident in which a recent televised edition of The Trisha Goddard Show was halted half way through.

The incident took place during a spat between crews from the Blackbird Leys estate in Oxford and a rival faction from East Chesterton, Cambridge over who has control of the riverbank between Chiswick Bridge and Putney.

In a tense and bitter confrontation watched by millions across the world, the rival crews were neck and neck and clawing at each other's throats as the dispute reached the bend at Fuller's Brewery. Then without warning a man appeared from nowhere on the studio floor and stood between the rival gangs, pleading with them to stop their bitter on-air rivalry, causing Trisha to call a halt to proceedings and cut hastily to the adverts. The man was roundly condemned by the studio audience for his selfish actions and was lucky to escape serious injury when a blade brandished by one of the crew members narrowly missed his head.

Taking control of the riverbank is regarded as the ultimate achievement for gang members from the two sink estates and is contested each year by the dark blue shell-suits of the Oxford crew and the light blues of Cambridge.

The chavs from Cambridge went on to win the closely fought ruck but the incident will be remembered for all the wrong reasons as rivals exchanged high-fives and replica firearms for well over 10 minutes before resuming hostilities following the enforced break in proceedings.

The heavier Oxford crew had gone into the contest as clear favourites but the light blues came out on top and extended their overall arrest tally for petty knife crime and possession to 81-76

The winning Cambridge crew: Begsy, Niall McGiven, Stella Imbali, Shiv, Dexy Drysdale, Jippo Johnson and the two Bradshaw brothers.

last of Warner Brothers cartoon stars of the silver screen, said he will never stay at the Savoy hotel in London ever again after he and his nintey year old wife were humiliated and deemed perverts by the hotel receptionist.Daffy said,I asked the receptionist to deliver me some condoms to my room,she said shall I put them on your bill sir?in front of the whole lobby of people she said it.God dam it I said,what kind of pervert do you think I am?

your thinking.Did I fire six shots or only five?who knows who cares?Well anyway to tell you the truth,in all this excitment,Ive kinda lost track myself.But being as this is a homemade 44D bra catapult,the most powerfull catapult in the world,and would blow your head clean off,youve got to ask yourself one question.do you feel lucky?well do ya punk?

is chasing a naked Ken Livingston through a alley with a butchers knife,I figure he aint out collecting for the Tory party.

water shortage what a load of bleedin rubbish,three quaters of the worlds covered in the stuff,they should send some people to the north pole with flame throwers and melt all the ice that would help,any fool can see thats the answer.Water shortage what a load of bollocks,if its that bad all they have to do is hand everyone a bucket,say all the unemployed people,and the disabled,get them all to stand in a line,lets say from Southend for instance first one dips his bucket in the sea and passes it back down the line like in the Blitz.The ones in Southend pass it along the line through South Benfleet,Rainham,Dartford,Welling,Sidcup and so forth,then carry on passing the buckets along the hard shoulder of the A20 the A2 the A202 and so forth till the line of people finises at the water reservoir in Dagenham.Then a helicopter takes off with all the used buckets and flys them back to Southend,and they all just keep going till youve filled all the reservoirs up,easy,dont have to be a brain surgeon to work that one out.

they all hate me,why?cos of my feet,their all jealous.....jealous of my great big furry feet,so I just lie here strapped to my bed,thinking of what it would be like if I could spell proper liek everyone else,I never will,Ill have to face it,Im a dyslexic....a dyslexic atheist.....with insomnia.....and I lay awake all night....wondering if there realy is a dog

Newsbiscuit,when I was Joanbloggs I wrote like a madman to get deleated at least twice a day,now its not even worth chewing through the leather straps......bastards

when your having flies......Kermit the frog

668 the neighbor of the beast,said the postman...

I tell ya,Im able to walk on air,but only as long as the illusion supports my weight......and nobody is looking.........I hate it when people look

Ill tell you what I love doing more than anything,its trying to pack myself into a small suitcase,I can hardly contain myself,.....Oh no Im about to be killed by a bowl of muesli....help help for gods sake..I can hardly hold on...Im being pulled in by a very strong currant..

what the problem is,to much comedy on the telivision,thats whats causing comedy on our once safe streets by god humbug.........

With more and more dog owners opting to scoop up their dog excrement in plastic bags and hurl the festering mess into the nearest tree or hedgerow, are we witnessing the final death throes of the nation's powdery, calcified dog-shit.

Surely it is more than mere coincidence that the decline of the white encrusted dog-doo has followed hot on the heels (excuse the pun) in the rise of the dog lover's love for the plastic bag.

Think back - when was the last time you trod on a petrified dog turd of any consequence?

It is becoming an increasingly rare event these days, but whenever I do see a chalky, calcified dog shit staring up at me from the kerbside, it brings childhood memories flooding back. There I am transported back to my youth - breaking the granite like mound into tiny powdery pieces with a stick or hiding it amongst the sandwiches in my sister's lunch box.

Coming across a virgin-white dog turd was like finding a treasure chest laden with gold trinkets, Spanish doubloons and ruby covered rings....what joy it was to discover the undisturbed petrified remains from a digested pack of Winalot or a calcified shat that was once a butcher's bone.....these were my childhood truffles.

Can you remember the disappointment of thinking the little white blob ahead in the hedgerow was just another edible mushroom, only to be followed by the insurmountable joy of discovering it was in fact a dog shit of such undeniable vintage that not even flies bothered crawling over it anymore.

Our once great nation was built on the powdery remains of a long forgotten dog pooh that had somehow remained undetected for weeks on end.

Will the white dog-log follow the red phone box and the village green in becoming just another colourful footnote on the history page of our once proud nation?

I realise time must move on and nothing can stay the same forever, but I for one will miss the thrill of coming across the odourless, granite like outcrop of an ancient dog mound.

Goodbye chalky dog pooh my old friend, I will miss you.

A tsunami of vomit has swept through unsuspecting households across the UK after pictures of hairy arsed brick layers, shaven headed hod carriers and lads with gigantic beer bellies blubbing their hearts out over some footballer who might have died... but in the end didn't... was beamed across the nation's wide-screen televisions last night. The images of grown men hugging each other, united in some contrived imaginary grief, consumed by mass hysteria and tenderly wringing out each others handkerchiefs was so horrifying it made live coverage of the motorway pile-up on the M5 a welcome distraction.

Academy award winners and X Factor finalists looked on with admiration and envy as Heysel level tears rained down on the terraces.

Scenes not witnessed since the gut wrenching, toe curling, puke making, embarrassing farce of a circus that became Lady Di's funeral had MOTD viewers tussling with one another over who got first go with the sick bucket. And this time it wasn't the hapless fuckwit Lineker who had viewers wretching over their TV remote.

Scab ridden knuckles with the words LOVE and HATE carved into them with an oily screwdriver were spotted placing fluffy teddy bears and cuddly meerkats outside the Reebok Stadium in tribute to a millionaire footballer who wouldn't want to be seen dead (sic) within a million miles of any of them.

In fact, he SO much didn't want to be seen dead ANYWHERE near them that....he actually refused to die.

A charity hotline set up by volunteer paraplegic ex-servicemen returning from active duty in the Middle East is hoping to raise enough money to buy the footballer another Ferrari to go with the 10 he has already got so that he can complete every colour in the set.

It's what he would have wanted.

Fans from rival clubs are now battling with each other in a cringe making, undignified race to show how much their football club care more for somebody who didn't have the misfortune to die even more than his mother does.

Neutral football supporters say they are hoping Muamba comes off the bench and scores an injury time winner to knock Spurs out of the FA Cup....Spurs supporters have told them all to 'go fuck right off or it will be them going home in an ambulance next time'.

That's more like it.

Pray for Muamba....FFS it's the morons praying that are in need of intensive care

Stars of stage and screen have been popping round the back of a dry cleaners in east London over the weekend helping to raise money for this year's televised BBC charity spectacular.

Hand Relief is a fund raising event, which every year sees the 'coming together' of stars from the field of sport and entertainment ....all with one common aim...to whack one off in front of the cameras for charity.

The 'wankathon' raises money each year for hard pressed sex-workers who then spend their earnings on good causes such as a leopard-skin mini skirts, strapless boob tubes, lurex shoulderbags and a heroin overdose.

Comedian John Bishop completed a gruelling five minute hand shuffle with a sex-worker from Gravesend while viewers were able to look on from the comfort of their sofa's as former England striker Stan Colleymore had televised sex with several young lasses from the north east in the back of a MK11 Cortina.

Presenter Claudia Winkleman raised over 3.00 with an impromptu bout of girl on girl action in the doorway of an old betting shop while a boarded up Woolworths played host to a quick hand job for HIGNFY veteran Ian Hislop

There was confusion over exactly how much cash had been raised following an altercation between comedian Alan Carr and a rent boy from Moldova over who should be paying who for what appeared to be more than just a quick fumble in the gents at Waterloo Station although Tim Henman definitely did come away with his gonad sack still brimming with jizz after failing to find any ho willing enough to touch his miserable cock for the going rate of 2.50

Presenter Jonathan Ross said he had been forced to hand over the relief fee to himself during the wankathon as he had been unable to find anybody he found more attractive than himself to do the job for him.

The 50.00 is a new record coming from public donations for the charity 'wankathon' with even more money pledged for tonight by sex addicts up and down the country who will be taking part in their own white-knuckle-shuffle while the wife has her eyes down over at the bingo.

(this sub is just deteriorating into a filth, ridden attack on all those lovely, unassuming celebrities who gave up their time in front of the cameras to help fund good causes...you really should be ashamed of yourself)

French police laying siege to a flat in Toulouse have been forced to call on the services of local mime artist Marcel Marceua to head the team of negotiators after local residents complained anti-terrorist squads were making far too much noise trying to coax the terrorist suspect to lay down his arms.

Marceau arrived at the scene puffing and panting on a pretend bicycle but was soon in trouble, spending several minutes trying to find his way out of a large imaginary cardboard box. It was not until Marcaeu produced a forgotten step ladder from his pocket that he was able to escape from the imaginary box and negotiations were able to proceed.

Marceau then began an elaborate routine in which he pretended to assemble a CZ 527 Mauser small base calibre sniper rifle with double snap-back recoil twin action using a reinforced Turkish walnut stock for smoother delivery.

The terrorist responded to the mime by firing several rounds in the air and shouting 'Non Bip le Clown mon ami, vous ne me prendrez jamais en vie'.

Marceau quickly raised his chalk white hands in pretend horror, made a sad face then started to rub imaginary tears from his eye.

Oh shit, they've just shot him (the terrorist, not Marcel).

Well thanks very much, you've ruined my sub now.

Selfish bastards.

storm Battersea Dogs Home and kill seventeen Afgans........

in Londons only nudist office,Im the tea boy,I can carry a cup of tea in each hand and a dozen ring doughnuts.......

I wanted to go to the paranoids anonymous meeting but they wont tell me where it is.........

I remember now,it was back in back in the ussr, no starship enter through through eh!,oh dear not fagots for tea again nurse,night nurse,...I remember now,shoe shoe shoe go away....oh dear..dam flys,I told you zips are better....dont let me catch you doing that again Mayvis,...is this youtube?

the world untie

if your going to shoot a mime artist,should you use a silencer?

from topless bars,........ becouse they get confused.

new Ladybird type books for under 10s banned.

Jack and Jill

went up the hill

to have a little fun

stupid Jill forgot the pill

now they have a son

new idea to use Wherewolfs as tracker dogs scrapped due to everyone of them getting lost.

Dr.Rowan Williams has quit his post as Archbishop of Canterbury following revelations surrounding his private life.

Rumours that the Archbishop had fathered a 'love-child' sometime during the mid 1970's have been gathering momentum throughout the Anglican Communion for several months now and insiders say it was only a matter of time before the allegations became public.

Dr.Williams said he had taken the 'very difficult' decision to step down in order to protect the child from the glaring light of publicity that will inevitably follow the revelations. But in an amazing twist of fate, the child - although totally unaware of his father's identity - also entered the clergy and rose even higher than his father, eventually rising to the coveted position of Jesus.

Tales of drug taking, debauchery and alcoholism are rife but Dr.Williams claims he is completely unaware if his son has also been involved in such shameful practices and is prepared to do whatever it takes in order to keep him clean.

to blame for cycling bug,hospitals in the capital are at breaking point with a influx of cyclists being admitted with the disease.Hospital manager Mrs Nightingale had this to say,"its bad real bad,lets hope its not as bad as the stamp collecting bug of 1970s when thousands of people died through sheer lack of excitment and boredom,as you can see advanced symptoms are the uncontrolable urge to pedal either on a Boris bike or just lying on your back and pedaling with your feet in the air whilst ringing a imaginary bell.Were having to strap people to their beds after several poor soles died after flinging themselfs naked out of windows clutching their credit cards hoping to make it to the nearist Boris bike stand."Police chief Brian Padlock had this to say,"I urge people to keep calm and stay indoors,if your not infected seal all doors and windows with gaffer tape and get under the kitchen table,or in a cupboard,the police are doing all we can,but we are not super heros, we to can become victims of this terrible bug,why only yesterday I lost two of my best men after they were bitten by the bug,they were last seen foaming at the mouth pedaling across Waterloo bridge on a tamden together"Early syptoms to watch out for are,getting sexualy excited by the up and down movement of a bycycle pump,and a strong urge to wear extra tight Lycra shorts.

?

A popular pub in Southampton has been threatened with legal action by US movie lawyers over the use of their name.

The Arsehole in Portswood has been accused by lawyers representing the Paul Inzane Company of copyright infringement, insisting that only products made by the Californian based company can be described as 'Arsehole'.

The lawyers acting on behalf of PIC (California) insist their client own the world rights to the name 'Arsehole' and the pub should simply look for an alternative franchise name. The Californians claim they are without doubt the biggest 'Arseholes' in the world and any use of the brand name must pass down the food chain through them first.

Regulars at The Arsehole are calling the action crazy and have threatened to boycott the Californian companies other Middlefinger.com products...'I'm always up The Arsehole at weekends' said pub regular Jason Hardy 'there's always somebody ready to put one in for you...those yanks should come and try it. They don't know what they're missing'.

The Californian based company own worldwide rights to several other leading brand names associated with author JR Tomkin such as The Knobitt, Fugax of the Ring, Hogfarts and new brand leader Fuckwits of California.

The pub in Portswood have been called Arseholes for over 300 years and even have cocktails named after characters taken from the Tomkin story books. They even have loyalty card beer mats with pictures of their regular punters hanging in public phone boxes scattered throughout the town.

'There'll always be a warm welcome in The Arsehole for our American friends' said landlady Stella Heineken 'it sounds as though they're in need of a good Bumwipe to cheer themselves up...or they can try one of our Anal Fissure's ...that's alway guaranteed to hit the spot'.

But the lawyers were adamant about the use of their clients name and are threatening to stick it up The Arsehole unless they pull their monickers down.

'And they can forget Utter Bastards too' said lawyer Dwight Mcluskey 'we've been called that for years'.

Unemployment simply just isnt working.

gangs of em hanging around the shopping centre,lazy bastards,bone fucking idle,expect everything should be done for their benifit as if their differant from the rest of us.I no what gos on,I blame Labour,let them get away with murder,most dont get out of bed till after 10am,some dont even get out of bed at all,bedridden some of the must be, the fucking lazy good for nothing shit bags,ohhh it makes me fucking angry.Oh yes their happy to sit in front of the tv all day while us mugs go to work,to keep the likes of them the DIRTY FUCKERS.Drugs is another thing,I no what gos on,most of them are on drugs,addicts the lot of them,and they dont care who knows about it.Always grumbling about this and that and how hard done by they all are,they wont to get off their fat arses and get a job like the rest of us,instead of poncing all the time as if its their right to,me me me thats all they think about.Cheap booze in the super markets dont help,its aimed at people like them,the fuckers,no wonder they stink of piss,fucking pensioners...I hate em.

said little Tommy.It sure is isnt it,said his mother,singing songs and toasting march mellows on a stick over the fire.What fun were having yipppppeeee said Kirsty I love it out doors,its such fun.Oh dear said Tommy,tears running down his rosey cheeks,my marsh mellow isnt cooked mummy.Thats grandads thought said Kirsty with a cheeky grin,hes going out again,look mummy grandads going out again.Thats ok said mummy reasuringly......throw some more petrol on him.

Yes...sometimes.....if its not raining

Hum..youve got nice eyes

Why thank you....your eye is nice to....was you born with only one?

Im not sure... what do you do for a living?

Im a sign language teacher

Realy?......hum!...bet your good with your hands

fearing hel never work again goes beserk killing 17 people with an axe,after being told by his phychiatrist hes lossing his grip.....

pleaded Joan Bloggs, in deep denial

experts warn it could disrupt power grids,satellite navigation systems, and plane routes.The cause?a massive pair of solar flares.People in the south east are being asked to stay indoors between 1pm and 3.30pm becouse theres a good chance several thousand pairs of 1970s size 12 platform shoes that are hurtling through space at 12 million miles per hour,could enter the earths atmosphere and strike the south east of England.Scientists say hopefully with a change of wind direction the storm will miss the south east and it will hit the people in the north of England.Anywhere north of Watford would be exceptable but lets hope that it wont be as bad as a simalar solar storm that happened on March the 18th 1961,when 18 people were killed after being hit by a solar shower of blue suede brothal creapers,after a 1950s type solar storm caused by a massive pair of solar drain pipe trousers.Not forgetting of coarse the dreadfull sad day a solar storm in 1889 in Scotland caused by a massive pair of solar kilts,killed over 1600 people including women and children,a camel,a pregnnt cross dressing policeman,and a newly married couple of turnips,they were all killed out right after being fataly hit by thousands upon thousands of haggis traveling at mach 10 speed.

Paddys loose goverment contract to build more prisons,after officals discover thier building walls to scale.

Paddys loose goverment contract to build more prisons,after officals discover thier building walls to scale.

Paddys loose goverment contract to build more prisons,after officals discover thier building walls to scale.

Paddys loose goverment contract to build more prisons,after officals discover thier building walls to scale.

to finding an armed nutcase called Hazel who has been robbing sweet shops across London.Detective Cadbury who leading the hunt says,"we no its the same man becouse he always says the same thing,give me all the cashew have"

and gos through windscreen then has his legs crushed after being run over by a passing steam roller,police say it was a very grizzly incident.....

turns out to be a prankster after he was found outstanding in his field......

conned on ebay,she thought she was getting a cheap baby buggys,and all she got was a newly hatched beetle......

becomes brain surgeon after his drill slips......

Bugs Bunny has fleas.......