The International Monetary Fund confirmed today that the giant thermometer erected outside its Washington headquarters will show the running total of funds raised for the recapitalisation of the world’s financial markets.

‘This is just the first step,’ said a spokesman. ‘We’ve got a fete lined up, followed by a sponsored walk, a bring-and-buy sale, and an international five-trillion-bob-a-job week. The fete’s going to be great – there’s a ‘Soak the Pontiff’ stall. Where else could you throw a wet sponge at the Pope and help rescue global capitalism?’

The government is launching a revolutionary new website that allows people to print their own money in the comfort of their own homes. The Treasury believe that by increasing the money supply in this way, they will be able to boost consumer spending and kickstart the economy. A number of leading economists were surveyed as to whether they thought this radical increase in the money supply might cause hyper-inflation, but all were too busy with their office printers to reply.