A government commissioned report in to ‘the future provision of secondary education in the south west of England’, which was published today, has reached the startling conclusion that, ‘Jonesy is a big fat gayer’. The three-page analysis – conducted by the Cambridge Centre for Education Studies (CCES) and handwritten on a couple of scruffy scraps of A4 – marks the conclusion of a two-year inquiry into possible changes that could be made, to improve the quality of secondary education delivered to pupils in the South West, over the next ten years.

A comprehensive in Reading has today been ordered to admit a local demon possessed child even though the headmaster had complained they could not cater for the specific needs of satanic pupils or get the bed she was tied to through its doors.