The government confirmed yesterday that the United Kingdom is on course to meet 100% of its herbal needs using home-grown cannabis by the end of next year, and may even become a net exporter by 2011.

‘This is great news for British spliff farmers, and proves we can compete with Lebanon and Morocco, even in a global downturn’ said a spokesman for the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. ‘We’ve always advocated fresh, locally produced weed, preferably organic’ said Jim Stone of the Federation of British Blow Growers.

Environmental campaigners were left reeling today after scientists questioned their strategy to save the planet’s rainforests and halt catastrophic climate change simply by adding the question ‘Do you really need to print this message?’ to the bottom of every email. A three-year study has found no recorded instances of someone changing their mind about printing, with the answer to the question on every occasion being ‘Yes, actually’.